Archive for November, 2009

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What’s so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

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A mechanic told me I could get another smaller battery to fit on the other side for supplemental power for my new sander. I need a new battery soon anyway, the one that is in it is original and 6 years old. I am concerned that the difference between the smaller and larger battery currents might mess with the alternator, any advice?

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-Wax the ceiling

-Rearrange political campaign signs

-Sharpen your teeth

-Play Houdini with one of your siblings

-Braid your dog’s hair

-Clean and polish your belly button

-Water your dog…see if he grows

-Wash a tree

-Name your child Edsel

-Scare Stephen King

-Give your cat a mohawk

-Purr

-Mow your carpet

-Play Pat Boone records backwards

-Vacuum your lawn

-Whine

-Rake your carpet

-Re-elect Richard Nixon

-Critique "Three’s Company"

-Listen to a painting

-Play with matches

-Buff your cat

-Race ferrets

-Paint your house…Day-Glo Orange

-Have a formal dinner at White Castle

-Read Homer in the original Greek

-Change your mind

-Change it back

-Learn Greek

-Watch the sun…see if it moves

-Stand on your head

-Stand on someone else’s head

-Build a pyramid

-See how long you can stay awake

-See how long you can sleep

-Spit shine your Nikes

-Paint your teeth

-Wear a salad

-Speak with a forked tongue

-Get your dog braces

-Shave a shrub

-Have a proton fight

-Watch a car rust

-Quiver

-Rotate your carpet

-Learn to type…with your toes

-Set up your Christmas tree in April

-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge

-Be someone special

-Mail it to a friend

-Go back to square one

-Factor your social security number

-Take the fifth

-Memorize a series of random numbers

-Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages

-Join the Foreign Legion

-Learn Sanskrit

-Exist…existentially, of course

-Print counterfeit Confederate money

-Kick a cabbage

-Take a picture

-Sandpaper a mushroom

-Put it back

-Play solitaire…for cash

-Abuse your patio furniture

-Run for Pope

-Count to a million…fast

-Make a schematic drawing…of a rock

-Commit seppuku…with a paper knife

-Revert

-Think shallow thoughts

-Sleep on a bed of nails

-Boil ice cream

-DON’T toss and turn

-Run around in squares

-Think of quadruple entendres

-Speak in acronyms

-Have your pillow X-rayed

-Drink straight shots…of water

-Calmly have a nervous breakdown

-Give your goldfish a perm

-Fly a brick

-Play tag…on 35W

-Exorcise a ghost

-Be blue

-Exercise a ghost

-Be red

-But don’t be orange

-Paint stripes on a lake

-Ski Kansas

-Sleep in freefall

-Kill a Joule

-Test thin ice…with a pogo stick

-Apply for a unicorn hunting license

-Do a good job

-Crawl

-Invite the Mansons over for dinner

-Paint your windows

-Watch a watch until it stops

-Flash your goldfish

-Paint

-Smile

-Paint a smile

-Flirt with an evergreen

-Rotate your garden…daily

-Shoot a fire hydrant

-Pretend you’re blind

-Apologize to it

-Plant a shoe

-Sweat

-Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil

-Turn

-Take your sofa for a walk

-Write a letter to Plato

-Mail it

-Start

-Stop

-Dial 911 and breathe heavily

-Go to a funeral…tell jokes

-Play the piano…with mittens on

-Starch your shoes

-Polish your Calvin’s

-Contemplate a cockroach

-Get a dog to chase your car

-Investigate the Czar

-Let him catch it

-Form a political party

-Climb a sidewalk

-Have a political party

-Get diagonal…with a good friend

-Ride a loaf of bread

-Sharpen a carrot

-Interrogate a gerbil

-Annoy yourself

-Get mad at yourself

-Stop speaking to yourself

-Be a side effect

-Ride a bicycle…up Mt. McKinley

-Duck

-Redecorate…your garage

-Develop a complex

-Join the Army…be someone simple

-Try harder

-Hit the deck

-Put leg warmers on your furniture

-Cut the deck

-Scheme

-Sit

-Water your family room

-Stay

-Cause a power failure

-Roll over

-Wriggle

-Play dead

-Donate your brother’s body to science

-Find a witch

-Ask why

-Burn her

-Regress

-Sleepwalk without sleeping

-Go bow hunting for Toyotas

-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids

-Jump back

-Play to lose

-Scalp a street light

-Have your car painted…plaid

-Read a tomato

-Sharpen your sleeping skills

-Watch a game show…take notes

-Put out a fire

-Interview a cloud

-If you can’t find a fire, make one

-Play tiddlywinks…go for blood

-Play basketball…in a minefield

-Crumple

-Translate Shakespeare into English

-Skydive to church

-Cheer up a potato

-Do aerobic exercises…in your head

-Play cards with your swimming pool

-Pinstripe your driveway

-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant

-Harness chipmunk power

-Build a house with ice cubes

-Call London for a cab

-Mug a stop sign

-Change your name…daily

-Go for a walk in your attic

-Challenge your neighbor to a duel

-Try to join Hell’s Angels by mail

-Wonder

-Be a square root

-Ask stupid questions

-Weld your car doors shut

-Spew

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i really like this poem, the pig speaking, the imagery
but i’m not sure what all the allusions to "ocean pig" the "army consumes every blade of grass’ is all about

any comments on what the whole poem means to you would be great

Eating the Pig
by Donald Hall

Twelve people, most of us strangers, stand in a room
in Ann Arbor, drinking Cribari from jars.
Then two young men, who cooked him,
carry him to the table
on a large square of plywood: his body
striped, like a tiger cat’s, from the basting,
his legs long, much longer than a cat’s,
and the striped hide as shiny as vinyl.

Now I see his head, as he takes his place
at the center of the table,
his wide pig’s head; and he looks like the javelina
that ran in front of the car, in the desert outside Tucson,
and I am drawn to him, my brother the pig,
with his large ears cocked forward,
with his tight snout, with his small ferocious teeth
in a jaw propped open
by an apple. How bizarre, this raw apple clenched
in a cooked face! Then I see his eyes,
his eyes cramped shut, his no-eyes, his eyes like X’s
in a comic strip, when the character gets knocked out.

This afternoon they read directions
from a book: The eyeballs must be removed
or they will burst during roasting. So they hacked them out.
"I nearly fainted," says someone.
"I never fainted before, in my whole life."
Then they gutted the pig and stuffed him,
and roasted him five hours, basting the long body.

* * *

Now we examine him, exclaiming, and we marvel at him—
but no one picks up a knife.

Then a young woman cuts off his head.
It comes off so easily, like a detachable part.
With sudden enthusiasm we dismantle the pig,
we wrench his trotters off, we twist them
at shoulder and hip, and they come off so easily.
Then we cut open his belly and pull the skin back.

For myself, I scoop a portion of left thigh,
moist, tender, falling apart, fat, sweet.
We forage like an army starving in winter
that crosses a pass in the hills and discovers
a valley of full barns—
cattle fat and lowing in their stalls,
bins of potatoes in root cellars under white farmhouses.
barrels of cider, onions, hens squawking over eggs—
and the people nowhere, with bread still warm in the oven.

Maybe, south of the valley, refugees pull their carts
listening for Stukas or elephants, carrying
bedding, pans, and silk dresses,
old men and women, children, deserters, young wives.

No, we are here, eating the pig together.

* * *

In ten minutes, the destruction is total.

His tiny ribs, delicate as birds’ feet, lie crisscrossed.
Or they are like crosshatching in a drawing,
lines doubling and redoubling on each other.

Bits of fat and muscle
mix with stuffing alien to the body,
walnuts and plums. His skin, like a parchment bag
soaked in oil, is pulled back and flattened,
with ridges and humps remaining, like a contour map,
like the map of a defeated country.

The army consumes every blade of grass in the valley,
every tree, every stream, every village,
every crossroad, every shack, every book, every graveyard.

His intact head
swivels around, to view the landscape of body
as if in dismay.

"For sixteen weeks I lived. For sixteen weeks
I took into myself nothing but the milk of my mother
who rolled on her side for me,
for my brothers and sisters. Only five hours roasting,
and this body so quickly dwindles away to nothing."

* * *

By itself, isolated on this plywood,
among this puzzle of foregone possibilities,
his intact head seems to want affection.
Without knowing that I will do it,
I reach out and scratch his jaw,
and I stroke him behind his ears,
as if he might suddenly purr from his cooked head.

"When I stroke your pig’s ears,
and scratch the striped leather of your jowls,
the furrow between the sockets of your eyes,
I take into myself, and digest,
wheat that grew between
the Tigris and the Euphrates rivers.

"And I take into myself the flint carving tool,
and the savannah, and hairs in the tail
of Eohippus, and fingers of bamboo,
and Hannibal’s elephant, and Hannibal,
and everything that lived before us, everything born,
exalted, and dead, and historians who carved in the Old Kingdom
when the wall had not heard about China."

I speak these words
into the ear of the Stone Age pig, the Abraham
pig, the ocean pig, the Achilles pig,
and into the ears
of the fire pig that will eat our bodies up.

"Fire, brother and father,
twelve of us, in our different skins, older and younger,
opened your skin together
and tore your body apart, and took it
into our bodies."

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do you know of any books similar to i’d tell you i love you but then i’d have to kill you OR cross my heart hope to spy i know this author is coming up with her 3rd Gallagher Girls book but it comes out June 9th 2009 but are there any books that combine adventure, romance, spy or detective and really interesting ive read all the nancy drew books and need something to read in the car and such
thanx

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